The Writer and the Block

Hot aromatic cuppa in one hand and a black-inked device in the other I felt, albeit for a moment, I could word the thought.

'Erasing the hurts. Band-aiding the tears....'

The moment ended and the thought-er thunk it all not.

Checklist for a working girl's/ charmingly-awkward December-child's birthday

It's that time of the year when I feel like writing a girly-girl post again. Well, if anyone has read 25 random things about me

 they would know that my birthday is on Dec.18 and "it's one of the hugest deal in the world to me."
 So, with less than a month left for the day, I've prepared a checklist for myself which I think will help me enjoy my birthday more.Although some of the things on the list may seem absolutely irrelevent, it all makes perfect sense in my head. 

Here's the list:

• Splurge on a birthday dress. Splurge on two. (check)
• Stop the gastronomical indulgences till the birthday for you want the dress(es) to fit you perfectly on your birthday too.  (check)
• Act your crazy head out about a month ahead of time (we all have to let the steam out from time to time ) so that you are your charming old self n people don't think you are a b%##^^ on your birthday.(check)
• Start making subtle reference to your birthday in conversations with friends so they don't forget the date.  (on going)
• Don't give any clues as to  what you want on your birthday if you are surprisophilic. (on going)
• Go slow on the social interactions with your 'usual' people.  You won't enjoy the day if you have been getting  an overdose of social gatherings and 'happy', ' happening' times. Abstinence is the word. (on going)
• Reconnect with the friends whom you've not spent much time with of late. Reminisce.  You'd be surprised how fulfilling these meets would be. Don't overdo it. (on it)
• Don't take any sudden whimsical leaves from work. I know we(especially you) all do it once in a while owing to the I-don't-give-a-smelly-rat's-ass-about-how-pissed-my-boss-would-be-if-I-take-the-day-off-today moods.  You need the money (for you've already splurged on the dress and a check on gastronomical indulgence doesn't mean stop eating! ) and they won't really be happy if you are celebrating your birthday at the company's expense. (fighting strong urges not to)
• Give your beloved some space. A lot of it, in fact. 'Distance makes the hearts go fonder', anyone? Only then, anticipation of the long awaited hug on your birthday would be worth it. (ongoing)
• Since you have cut down on the socializing go for solitary morning walks. Winter mornings have the curious ability to suddenly activate your dormant-god-knows-since-when neurons and you feel awesomely smart throughout the day. (check)
• Just before the D-day finish reading a book that touches you so deeply that you cry for hours and come out of it with just the right cathartic effect. The smile on your birthday will then be liberating.  (not yet)
• Get a pedicure, you'd need your soles if you wanna dance the night away on the Day. (not yet)
• Get a nice ooh-la-la(NOT The Dirty Picture fame) haircut. You don't want your hair to look like forgotten dirty a broom (not even worth a penny in Horwarts) while the rest of you is looking (if not a million) a few thousand bucks worth. (research on)
• Work. Don't procrastinate at least for some days before your birthday. That way the days would pass faster and you won't have a lot of pending work when you can really do with some presenteeism at work on/post D-day. (on it. :-/ )

20 Questions - (un)popular opinion

I am feeling awefully candid today. So here is a list of questions I'll answer, depending on the demand for the question. I'll update the answer in the post, as and when the question is chosen.

Send me a number and I’ll tell you my unpopular opinion (each person gets to chose only 2 numbers):
1. A crazed-over television program you do not/never cared for.
2. A color you think is over-rated.
3. A selection of celebrities you don't give a rat's add about.
4. A pastime you 'don't get'.
5. A habit you can't stand.
6. Something you really like doing which everyone else around you cribs about.

• Waking up early in the morning. Been the eternal wake-up call and have been sworn at, gotten things and tantrums thrown at meself . #jobhazard.

7. Your favorite household chore.

Getting supplies and storing up the fridge.

8. Popular websites that make you go 'blah'.
9. White chocolate or Salad?
10. A sport you don’t like, for whatever reason.
11. A body part you really like, for whatever reason.
12. Something that people always tell you when they meet you first and you hate.
13. Choose three not-so-positive adjectives for yourself.

These are not exactly three words but its my game and i m allowed to break my rules!

• Impatient and impulsive.
• tending-to-unsocial
• Queen-of-digression-while-story-telling.

14. You wish you are never a Corporate Hotshot.
15. A classic must-read did you last read and absolutely hated?

• Ulysses -James Joyce

16. Something that people around you are good at or at least try their best to that you hate and can't get around to do it.
17. A color that you don't like wearing.
18. Something that you'd really enjoy eating that most of your friends would go 'yuck' over.
19. A celebrity crush that maybe even you don’t understand.
20. Uninhibited  rant on whatever crushing your cookie at the moment.

All colors, violent colors in my head when I think of the crusher. Good thing. Because words would have confused me and not blended in so well. The nerve behind my ear is about throbbing so hard it's as if it'd burst out and all the colors' would splatter slowly  forming almost legible words; trying albeit not entirely successfully to pass on the message.

Why long for love?

Because not everything has to logically make sense. That's why poetry exists. That's why certain colours blend and that is why we forgive even after being irrecoverably hurt.

(Almost) wordless wednesday

Till the end of time?

Polithinks: Thinking of all the people I've waved goodbyes to, all the heartbreaks, of all those sweet 'forevers' turned into 'once upon a stupid time', I realized that there is no such thing as 'ex(s)' or 'current(s)', there is only the love that will persist and the ones which will not.

Nightmare

...you wake up in a dream, I wander through the streets of memories once lived.
'do you hear me? I am talking to you'
craving to make the same mistakes, same crimes
over and over;
and
over and over.

I must write.
Must breathe.
I must suck the lifeless throbbing joy out of their veins.
*sigh*
I must, like the growing, brandishing corporate deity,
grip them with a disarming smile and make myself inevitable.
I must, like Macbeth's valentine, absolve my hands of the blood
which reeks of the transgressions I chose to so conveniently forget.
I must cry, and squirm, and cry some more-
"Here's the smell of the blood still: all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, oh, oh!"
A whimper of the bang that wasn't.

You wake up, this time in a real dream.

p.s.: shared with Thursday Poets Rally Week 40

The Castle of Crossed Destinies

Wayanad, Kerela

 (I know)

Wings, I gave up

To hide in the web 

Which keeps me tangled, sad, content.

*

(Therefore I am)


We walked tipsy, intoxicated, mildly happy
Exchanged numbers, smiles, a few dance moves and secrets.
Betraying the web, seething to strangle the last smiles out of the beautiful slurring lips.

*

p.s.: 1)This Post is being written for THE POETRY CONTEST at Blogjunta.com as a part of WOMEN & BLOGGING month

2)shared with Haiku Heights prompt #34
3) A special thanks to the photographer, Naveen for the beautiful picture. 

Rules for the next ride

Neyyar Wildlife Sanctuary,kerela

You swept me off my feet.
I'm carrying a parachute, not so thrilled about the fall.

Butterflies in my stomach
Let them fly off to flutter somewhere new, somewhere not as unloved.

The nice words, the wishing well,
The plagiarized letter,the plunked hope.

The sighs, the wait.
The impatience, the habit.

The beating heart
Fear, not love.

The Faller in love
You, NOT me.

Concentrically challenged

(Week-long challenge Day 2)

I had an Inception -esque idea yesterday.
For the want of a better post, I am forced to put it up as today's post(I love my dessert way too much).

I am already two days into this self-imposed challenge of posting here, at least once a day, for a week.

I thought why not make it a tad more interesting and take up a challenge within the challenge.

Challenge -II
The objective is to use a select set of words in all the posts for the remaining days in the week long Challenge.


Now I would have liked to have a list formed by reader's choice and suggestion but considering the time is too short between this post and the next(which has to come out by midnight tomorrow), I'd make a small list on my own:

• chuckle
• elsewhere
• sugar-momma
• not/naught/knot
• (NOT using the word) Love
• de facto
• disorganized
• gOOgle
• sherry

Readers' suggestions:

• polo
• aiyoo
• consternation

clauses:

1. Since the list of words to be used is too long. Lets say, we add a lower limit. I have to use at least 5 words out of the aforementioned word list in each post.

P.s: readers' suggestions are most welcome, provided they make it interesting.

True story

My friend (say B) and I(A, for the obvious reason) thought we'd order in dinner tonight.

A:  What do you want?

B: Chinese?

A: sure. (hands her over the menu)

B: Chicken in Kung Pao sauce?

A: Ok. How about some noodles with that?

B: Ok. You pick.

A: I don't know what to pick...ummm...suggest something.

B: Just pick something funny.

A: Okay. Veg. Basket noodles?

B:  Cool.

*The food arrives*

And what we see in front of us makes stuff for a good community laughter.
B asked me to pick something 'funny', I didn't know I could do it so well.
Even my food has a sense of humour. :-l


So this is what we ordered:

 This is what we got:

The noodle basket and the veggies

polithinks: #slapyourself if you ordered Chinese noodle basket and you actually got a basket made of noodles.

Urban gyaan -I

I sometimes marvel at the infinite hope that student, all over the world and in all generations, have that a miracle would suddenly decide to do what they themselves didn't do for days/weeks/months - finish their assignments or study for the exam - on the morning of the D-day!

I say hope because it can't simply be a case of over-confidence or sheer indifference. I reject the first because most of us are smart enough to know that our IQ hasn't gone up exponentially in a matter of a few hours to able to finish the work required in a couple of hours. Second, it can't be indifference because even when we are lazing around, watching movies, dozing off every 3 hours, going out for coffee/brunch/dinner(we gotta eat, in'it?) or even just lying down staring at the ceiling, it is work that we are thinking about. Coming up with schedules, plans A, B and X to not only finishing the work on time but to do it so well that we'd get outstanding grades for sure.

Polithinks: Hope is the mother of procrastination.

To be or not to be

There are times when you take decisions. Then there are times when you aren’t sure and change them. And then, there are times when you feel abso-frigging-lutely sure you made the right choice. The stages are difficult, sometimes overlapping because doubt is like dandruff, no matter how many anti-dandruff hair products you use,  no matter how much you ‘eat right, drink right and sleep right’, it just manages to miraculously make its presence felt.
polithinks:Yet these liminal moments of doubt are what make the final resolution so rewarding.

F.T.Qs #1

Frequently thought questions.

• How madly in love/ mad/ pathetic are you if you your rebound guy is the ex you broke up with in the first place?

Good vs Happy

A wise-ass Rabbi said  "The happiest people I know are people who don't even think about being happy. They just think about being good neighbors, good people. And then happiness sort of sneaks in the back window while they are busy doing good." 


Poli says 
" In today's world, either u are good or u r happy. the happiest people I know today are the people who dont care about bad and good and just act according to the situation. I on the other hand am not happy.what i am, is content with my choices.
"






Oh by the way, I know its a cliche but I believe that there is no black or white in a person. there is always a mix - always GRAY- and the hue differs with the degree of good or bad. 

Purple is the new gray for me. 


Poli is proudly purple. more to the lighter shade she would like to believe(and some would like to vouch). 

I finished a chapter with House(M.D.)

For some weeks now I have been watching a TV series Incessantly - House M.D.
Whether it be at 3 o clock at night or 7 in the morning; before class, after nap, in between assignments, on the fight, while waiting at the airport.

Why this series attracts my attention so much is because Gregory House, the protagonist, is grossly imperfect and yet defines what it is to be so unhappy, so much in pain, so flawed, so human and still have a life where in spite of all that one  has reasons to look forward to the next day.


The last year has been an emotional roller coater for me. I have had ups the level of Mt. everest and downs the as low as the 18th level of hell. But I have somehow(phew!) gotten through. I don't think half of them are even worth talked about even with my closest friends. I just have to bear it out and remember not let myself be numbed coz to miss the experience, even the pain, is to miss the most important moments of your life. "To err is human" they say.
 Polithinks: 'to feel is human. To err,well, is to'. what is life but an assimilation of moments felt and remembered.

So like a soldier, proud of the scar gotten on the battlefield, I wear my wounds with pride. I think at times I get overwhelmed and obsessive about them but I am what I am.They define me. I , like House, have a cane(not literally, duh!) which i would not let go. I am not perfect and don't want to be. Perfect is boring and is independent in the absolute sense. This independence would definitely take the fun out of living. I am working on my flaws but there are some which I can't change even if they embarrass me or get me into trouble more often than not.


Anyway enough blah on flaws and imperfections. This blog post is a dedication to House and the effect he has had on me.I have finished watching all the seasons and waiting for the latest episodes. A part of me is sad. I did not quite want to start the last episode for I new about in an hour I would run out of events from House's life... Okay I am getting more sentimental than I am allowed to be for a fictional character. I would like to take this opportunity to Thank House for the lessons which I never thought I would get from some stupid American TV series. But I guess one can learn something from everything around them. remind's of my Prof's quote(see the end of the post)


Since its a dedication it would be unfair if I didn't share the famous House quotes:
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Gregory_House


p.s: The lack of posts here is because I am on a trip (read less time for introspection and contemplation which I am fond of)and hence concentrating more on my travel blog http://amropali.co.cc/

I don't want to make sense

I don't think I have been as confused as I am now even when I was supposes to be officially/biologically confused(read in my teens) owing to my hormones.


There are times when you don't know what is what, let alone knowing what is right  /wrong.
these are the times you should do what ever you please i.e., no rational thinking(u can't think rationally if u don't have ur facts), no killing people's time asking for advice, no jumping to the worst case scenario. Just do IT! 




For instance, I know I am confused about something coz every time (the case since the last 30+ hours) I close my eyes-that includes the times when I blink or try to flirt(read wink) - I can see question marks --> ???. Sometimes in colour, sometimes with sparkles and sometimes just mocking me. But does that stop me from doing all the things I want to do, unthinkingly, without guilt? The answer: Hell no.

Its easy to solve things when you know there is a solution.
What do I do when there seems to be no problem and consequently no solution.
But then I could  be obtuse. Not dumb, just willingly/subconsciously/ unconsciously obtuse. Refusing to see things for what they are.


No wonder its so comfortable. Disgustingly smug.


Polithinks: Comfort is uncomfortable or am I too paranoid, hiding behind the veil of question marks?

?
?
?
?

Hope

"For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we are still just able to endure,

and we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
Every angel is terrifying."

                                                      -Rilke 
'Life is almost perfect for you.' I hear that once again. I see the smiles that snaps have so beautifully captured; guiltless,carefree. reason enough to sleep with a light heart and unthinking mind.

But the dreams had something else planned. Moments of unbearable clairvoyance. Within moments, under my exhausted slumbering lids, my dreams start gnawing on the bubbles of blithe blessedness that I had blown around me. Dreams - the reality that I thought , although impossible here, were real somewhere; a sort of a parallel matrix of events that worked much to my liking and wants- had now betrayed me.


In the glimpse of sheer bluntness, all of it that was bright and sparkly turned to obnoxious, unsightly banners, more real than I have ever felt while awake. I had lost something in my sleep last night. I had lost the dreamworld i used to take refuge in, in my moments of crisis. A world which seemed better than what went on around me while awake. Dreams are no longer a haven, a utopia. They are just the the strong flashes of a 'good' digital camera which in the name of clarity show all the flaws that you work so hard to hide.(I always felt a average camera with 3 mega pixel worked gave better pictures when it comes to clicking people.)
It felt worse than losing Santa and the myth of eternal love. 


 I have lost my soul in the mirth of masquerades that i so try to avoid, I have sold my faith to the lies that I want to believe in, my hopes have been trampled and strangled not once,  But i am LIVING, even if  in a state when all eludes me - all the dreams, wants, a future- the past is a lie and the present a joke and mere hope, a little light, is the only thing I can wish for. 


I refuse to be wished 'sweet dreams' hence forth.

???

‘The unexamined life is not worth living’

-Aristotle

I ask a lot of questions, not always aloud. That doesn’t necessarily imply I am nosy. There is a thin line between being inquisitive and being nosy; I am quite convinced I haven’t crossed the line.

The crests of the questions doing rounds in my head today are as follows:

Am I living?

Do I start the PoCo assignment now?

Wonder what mom’s doing now?

Why do guys like to pass comment on any passing girl, irrespective of the actual applicability/ inapplicability of the comments?

When will people stop asking questions about my relationship status and the further details? (you thought of it too, inn’ it! Darn I think it’s a universal human trait.)

What is difference between Bangla ‘KH’ and ‘TH’ (I always thought they look alike)?

Is love the ultimate power or is it the achievement of absolute self-sufficiency?

If it is love, then how come we give the Other the power over our entire existence so, to say?

Should I skip lunch again?

Do I aspire to suffer (coz I seem to be creative best in the said state) or for happiness / content for my life ahead (happiness is short lived, content could last longer … but there is always a smugness that hits me, or people in general, even in the short while it lasts)?

When the hell will I stop singing the song ‘sexomatic, sex-O-matic’ (DON’T ASK)?

Should I get a makeover?

Is it just me or I have actually been having some pretty aweso-ndary time lately, even in the sluggish hours that seem to pass me by?

Am I living , now?

Aweso-ndary

Polithinks: In life, it is never as good as one thinks it is. But the aweso-ndary part is, it is never as bad as one deems either.

There are moments in life, and then there are Moments in life. But  our concern today is the fact that there are also mOmEnTs in life and I hereby coin the term ‘aweso-ndary’ which would work as the only apt adjective to describe such bits of life which are neither only awesome nor exclusively legendary but truly AWESO-NDARY!

This term is applicable to those liminal mOmEnTs which compel you stop and think- ‘Was I part of the most incredible, overwhelmingly screwed up, legendary, terrifyingly inexplicable, spookathonic, fantastically preternatural part of Time, a moment ago?’

Use it wisely.

Happy Birthday “Aweso-ndary”!

p.s: This blog post is an afterthought of watching 2 movies back to back, attending 8 hours of classes, breaking my head over my (ahem) finances, suffering from a constant self-pity on the state of sleep-depravity, doodling on my sock and trying to find appropriate expletives for an ex(now distant)  for the want of something to keep myself amused(I need an American dictionary and all of the ‘yo mama’ series to be able to remotely succeed ).Hence, sorry for the note of incoherence, if any.