Hope

"For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we are still just able to endure,

and we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
Every angel is terrifying."

                                                      -Rilke 
'Life is almost perfect for you.' I hear that once again. I see the smiles that snaps have so beautifully captured; guiltless,carefree. reason enough to sleep with a light heart and unthinking mind.

But the dreams had something else planned. Moments of unbearable clairvoyance. Within moments, under my exhausted slumbering lids, my dreams start gnawing on the bubbles of blithe blessedness that I had blown around me. Dreams - the reality that I thought , although impossible here, were real somewhere; a sort of a parallel matrix of events that worked much to my liking and wants- had now betrayed me.


In the glimpse of sheer bluntness, all of it that was bright and sparkly turned to obnoxious, unsightly banners, more real than I have ever felt while awake. I had lost something in my sleep last night. I had lost the dreamworld i used to take refuge in, in my moments of crisis. A world which seemed better than what went on around me while awake. Dreams are no longer a haven, a utopia. They are just the the strong flashes of a 'good' digital camera which in the name of clarity show all the flaws that you work so hard to hide.(I always felt a average camera with 3 mega pixel worked gave better pictures when it comes to clicking people.)
It felt worse than losing Santa and the myth of eternal love. 


 I have lost my soul in the mirth of masquerades that i so try to avoid, I have sold my faith to the lies that I want to believe in, my hopes have been trampled and strangled not once,  But i am LIVING, even if  in a state when all eludes me - all the dreams, wants, a future- the past is a lie and the present a joke and mere hope, a little light, is the only thing I can wish for. 


I refuse to be wished 'sweet dreams' hence forth.