Wednesday, March 31


"For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we are still just able to endure,
and we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
Every angel is terrifying."
'Life is almost perfect for you.' I hear that once again. I see the smiles that snaps have so beautifully captured; guiltless,carefree. reason enough to sleep with a light heart and unthinking mind.

But the dreams had something else planned. Moments of unbearable clairvoyance. Within moments, under my exhausted slumbering lids, my dreams start gnawing on the bubbles of blithe blessedness that I had blown around me. Dreams - the reality that I thought , although impossible here, were real somewhere; a sort of a parallel matrix of events that worked much to my liking and wants- had now betrayed me.

In the glimpse of sheer bluntness, all of it that was bright and sparkly turned to obnoxious, unsightly banners, more real than I have ever felt while awake. I had lost something in my sleep last night. I had lost the dreamworld i used to take refuge in, in my moments of crisis. A world which seemed better than what went on around me while awake. Dreams are no longer a haven, a utopia. They are just the the strong flashes of a 'good' digital camera which in the name of clarity show all the flaws that you work so hard to hide.(I always felt a average camera with 3 mega pixel worked gave better pictures when it comes to clicking people.)
It felt worse than losing Santa and the myth of eternal love. 

 I have lost my soul in the mirth of masquerades that i so try to avoid, I have sold my faith to the lies that I want to believe in, my hopes have been trampled and strangled not once,  But i am LIVING, even if  in a state when all eludes me - all the dreams, wants, a future- the past is a lie and the present a joke and mere hope, a little light, is the only thing I can wish for. 

I refuse to be wished 'sweet dreams' hence forth.


anwesha said...

hope is what keeps us alive. and it is not possible to be human and not hope.

Amropali said...

when I asked 'Am I living?' it was directed to my level of humanity or human-ness.

Jessica Jeanne Simon said...

a really great post!
keep blogging!

The Queen of Queer

sanely insane said...

one concludes that u've lost something not that one can deduce what that thing was...doesnt sound like your fav bag though

mebbe if u tried answering the insanely hypothetical questions of life u'd find something maybe not something ure looking for...but still something :P

Amropali said...

@ insane: The meaning of life is not in the existential answers but in the experience and that is what I seem to have lost.
what we am looking for is always inconsequential. What we get is the gig!

Bitter God said...

dreams live within us while we try to run away or live upto them outside them... they are what we truly are... nothing can be truer about yourself than the most fickle of dreams...

rohini said...

hey nice post is said that never the flame of HOPE should be blown away...just carry on with the positive check my recent post...smthing relating to this...