Friday, March 19

The crack between the heart and soul

"The worst is not,So long as we can say, 'This is the worst."

- King Lear

Sometimes life is an episode, if not a full-scale spectacle of a movie; a tear-jerker nonetheless.
It occurred to me, does not matter when, that the notion of what is ‘real’ hardly explains what goes on in life. It is, in fact, a major understatement. Sublimely reel and subliminally surreal, is what I say it is.
I write this post on the eve of the 1st anniversary of one of the major crises in my life. I seem to have come a long way, a very long way (sometimes it does feel like years and decades have passed between then and now).  I trust , I admire , I am in awe , still , of things , people and events but  these moments are rare and far spaced out now, kind of reminds me of the molecules of the gaseous state of matter I used to imagine floating by me , when we were being taught the difference between different states of matter.
I did have a solid state. I wasn’t a cynic all my life (I feel like an old granny speaking through the specks of memory). I didn’t think I could doubt and still love. I loved and lived and forgot to ask what my mind wanted to me to ask. The heart and the mind were, then, to me binary oppositions. The heart said what is true and the mind said what is right. It worked well for me until this very day last year.
 That was the day the mirror cracked to dissolve the wall I held up between my heart and my mind. I realized what being a human being really is. I have a heart and a complex mind for a reason. I am not some primal soul with a mysterious connection with the super/supra/Para/hyper-natural. I gathered that I fully realize my being not only by striding towards  big umbrella terms like humanity, success, achievement, happiness, knowledge but rather just by using correctly – rather than fighting it- the intrinsic algorithm between mind and spirit.
I do not think I have reached the state of perfection yet. I am, in fact, a long way from it. But I am at least trying. The rule, now that I see it, is LOVE->;; DOUBT->;LOVE and not Doubt->;; Love->; Doubt. You never learn to love somebody, listening to your heart and mind, rather you love and then learn that it’s not perfect and still love.
I have loved my family, questioned its loyalty towards me and vice versa and came out of it feeling sure it is love. I have loved God and wanted a presence  when I was in need, couldn’t see it, doubted and came out knowing that the very fact that I could doubt hence search within myself powers to come out better is in itself the presence I craved. I have loved a person and even though there is in no way a ‘happily ever after’ in view even in long shot, I can finally feel that in spite of all of it in moments of great isolation even a thought changes my mood. “The talisman of life”, to quote someone who manages to give me regular doses of food for thought, “should always be ‘in spite of’ and not ‘because of’”. 
At this moment when I can, on one hand, can feel my heart being churned like the fruit-shake I feel a sudden craving for, I cannot help but feel that that there is an aweso-ndary surrealistic quality about the whole thing that is almost satisfyingly cathartic.


Bitter God said...

love prolly is knowing the differences and a knowing beyond them...