Friday, November 20

A long roller coaster ride.

Yesterday's been a very long day- a 3 year long day to be precise.
A relationship lived out in the recollection of the temporal. The past is no longer there, the present never remains and the future is not yet. What did i live through then? memories, facts, somethings imagined, somethings felt, somethings forced to feel, something that i thought i should feel? Whatever be the case, i felt like i was in a constant roller coaster ride(a scary one at that; and trust me these things don't scare me that easily!). The feeling was so darn physical, at one point i thought i was having a heart attack(ha!)!!

i wanted to cry, laugh, sing(in solitude with ill-gotten lyrics) , dance, indulge myself with a great tub of ice cream(couldn't decide on the flavour though), wanted to sulk, be pampered, be pulled out of this terribly gripping ride i was going through. but what did i do? i gave a (uber fucked up) exam, skipped meals (coz the walk to the mess seemed too long), watched three movies back to back, painted my toe nails over and over again to keep my mind from exploding and still at the end of the day managed to change a friendship that has been for all these years so different from the dozen-a-dime relationships we encounter on a daily basis.

i've got no clue how to fix it. no clue if i can , at all. no clue what my next step would be.
The only thing that I am aware of at this point of time is that the "ride" continues- and i've gotten so used to this feeling of weightlessness with a heavy heart to hold on to that i don't know if i want to get off this ride at all.

Wednesday, November 18

A slow start to a beautiful day...


In spite of the pressure mounting on me to finish the preparation for tomorrow's exam, all i feel like doing (as usual) is either sleep or sleep and dream.Dream about a future that feels like the golden past, dream about a future that, although distant, is not out of my reach.I am hopeful today, maybe a bit delusional too but what the hell, 1 life, short life...gotta pack every experience in tightly...

so here's to a bright(okay, maybe a  rainy, sleepy, oh-so-romantic) day ahead!


Words : a collage


boundaries, limits, grades
restrictions, moralities, fakes.

encounters, notions, views
witness, gossip, news.

logic, reason, sham
screw, fuck,damn.

Saturday, November 7

A Dedication

... a self i seem to have lost suddenly

"She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine"

Where did you go
Where did she go now

Sweet child o' mine

Friday, November 6

4 hours of sleep, 3 cups of coffee and the assignments begin...

Thursday, November 5

do i find peace in others' pain?


heard of someone's memory of pain last night and it made me wonder - throughout the night, all through my classes n right down to this second - is it possible to feel safe -even if relatively- knowing that someone else has gone through a bigger ordeal, a greater pain , a more crushing experience than yours? Do i rejoice the fact that I had been put through a lot less by life/fate(and maybe IT likes me better!! :P) or do i wonder why the pain that had overwhelmed me and flooded my life with its presence is so small in comparison and the fact that if this had the power to crush me...what would have happened if i would have to go through all of that and more....

will i have the strength come out alive? Should i , in fear, withdraw myself from experience that have any possibility of  bringing forth such fate on me? or should i go out carefree to see if at all any thing of this sort happens would i survive and if it doesn't well, then it'd be a good thing b'cause I'd , at least , have the experience right!

trying to switch off my mind and flow with the wind...or maybe try  n finish the bloody assignments i have to submit in a day's time.

if only i thought about them with such ardour I'd have higher grades and happier parents!!

to answer the question of the day - "do i have a reason to celebrate?"

It does seem like i do- i have all my body parts in working condition, m (will be in a months or so) on the brighter side of 20's, m in my dream campus studying my favorite subject, have a wonderful family,have great people around me taking pains to see that i finish my assignments on time,have a room all to myself(errmm.. i do share it with a couple -Mrs and Mr. Mouse) and my privacy....

yet, a question reverberates in my mind:  - "do i have a reason to celebrate?"

I have decided to stop paying heed to this and celebrate...
I will celebrate the lies I am being told, I will celebrate the hypocrisy around me, I will celebrate the sickness that life seems to have become,i will celebrate the absence of love in my heart
, i will celebrate the painful memory that it has become. i will celebrate the petty ends that precede me in the hearts of people who matter, i will celebrate the tears that sometimes grace me with their presence so that i don't feel lonely, i will celebrate all the reasons that are in the making...and will be added in the present list.

Like i said in the beginning i am a true Indian when it comes to celebrating....i proudly continue to be one.

inaugural bolg

well, I'll keep it short, although we Indians have a tendency to get into the celebratory mood at the drop of a hat, and I am a true Indian when it comes to that...but not today(guess i am too sleepy).

well the question for the day is "Do I have a reason to celebrate??"

p.s:will elaborate- for my sake, more than anybody else's- when i come back from the torture of a class i have in like...3...2...1... shit !! now i m late...well what the hell!! its a celebration, i started a new blog today(Ahem...the Indian in me surfacing again i see.)

until later.