quotes. Vol.I

I haven't watched TV for months now, and I found myself ,in the wake of an exam, browsing the net for quotes and episodes from my favorite TV series.

Here is the first of the many vol. to come in the future:

1) Ross: Look, I just don't want my tombstone to read, "Ross Geller: Three divorces."
Phoebe: Don't feel worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, "Ross Geller: Good at marriage!" Y'know? Mine's going to say, "Phoebe Buffay: Buried alive." [Friends]

2) Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote scripture.[How I Met your Mother]

3) Barney: This is gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant because the next word is -DAIRY!  

4) [After J.D. is assigned to introduce Dr. Kelso at an awarding ceremony]
Dr. Cox: You are officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
Dr. Cox: You go do that, and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible, mm'kay?[scrubs]

5)Barney: I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways.
Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story.[How I Met your Mother]

6) George: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.[Seinfeld]

7)Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part!
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.[Seinfeld]

7) Homer: What are you, a travel agent? 'Cause you're sending me on a guilt trip.[the simpsons]


8)Lisa (angrily): You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!
Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.[the simpsons]

8)Cartman: I was asleep, and this person just ... puts his penis in my mouth without me knowing! And took the picture!
Detective Yates: ...I see.
Cartman: Yes. Now it may appear in the picture that I'm actually looking at the camera lens smiling, ... with the penis in my mouth. And giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep![South park]

9)Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
Cartman: Oh goddamnit! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?[South park]

10) Judge Harry Hingham: A ho-mo-sexual? That's where we're at now? Santa Clauses being played by ho-mo-sexuals? 
Alan Shore: [mockingly] I believe "homosexual" is one word, judge. But to avoid confusion, let's say "gay". [boston legal]



11)Nurse: "You need to leave."
Susan: "What?"
Nurse: "You're disturbing the other patients."
Susan: "No, what are you... oh, this is ridiculous! I mean, who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward! Don't you want them to wake up?!"[desparate housewives]



12)Susan: "Oh help! Can anybody hear me? Julie? I need you to try to unlock the door. Oh, what am I saying, she's two. Okay, I need you to unbuckle yourself and try to find a neighbor. But don’t cross the street! Just tell the neighbor that your mommy’s stuck in a big truck!["desparate housewives]



13)Denny Crane: [repeated throughout series] Denny Crane... [boston legal]

14) Alan Shore: You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton[boston legal]

15)Alan Shore: Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
 Lester Tremont: That's three things.
 Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.[boston legal]

16)Denny Crane: May I express a thought, because I so rarely get one, and I should preface this by saying that I'm so far up the ass of big business I view the world as one giant colon. [boston legal]