Hope

"For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we are still just able to endure,

and we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
Every angel is terrifying."

                                                      -Rilke 
'Life is almost perfect for you.' I hear that once again. I see the smiles that snaps have so beautifully captured; guiltless,carefree. reason enough to sleep with a light heart and unthinking mind.

But the dreams had something else planned. Moments of unbearable clairvoyance. Within moments, under my exhausted slumbering lids, my dreams start gnawing on the bubbles of blithe blessedness that I had blown around me. Dreams - the reality that I thought , although impossible here, were real somewhere; a sort of a parallel matrix of events that worked much to my liking and wants- had now betrayed me.


In the glimpse of sheer bluntness, all of it that was bright and sparkly turned to obnoxious, unsightly banners, more real than I have ever felt while awake. I had lost something in my sleep last night. I had lost the dreamworld i used to take refuge in, in my moments of crisis. A world which seemed better than what went on around me while awake. Dreams are no longer a haven, a utopia. They are just the the strong flashes of a 'good' digital camera which in the name of clarity show all the flaws that you work so hard to hide.(I always felt a average camera with 3 mega pixel worked gave better pictures when it comes to clicking people.)
It felt worse than losing Santa and the myth of eternal love. 


 I have lost my soul in the mirth of masquerades that i so try to avoid, I have sold my faith to the lies that I want to believe in, my hopes have been trampled and strangled not once,  But i am LIVING, even if  in a state when all eludes me - all the dreams, wants, a future- the past is a lie and the present a joke and mere hope, a little light, is the only thing I can wish for. 


I refuse to be wished 'sweet dreams' hence forth.

???

‘The unexamined life is not worth living’

-Aristotle

I ask a lot of questions, not always aloud. That doesn’t necessarily imply I am nosy. There is a thin line between being inquisitive and being nosy; I am quite convinced I haven’t crossed the line.

The crests of the questions doing rounds in my head today are as follows:

Am I living?

Do I start the PoCo assignment now?

Wonder what mom’s doing now?

Why do guys like to pass comment on any passing girl, irrespective of the actual applicability/ inapplicability of the comments?

When will people stop asking questions about my relationship status and the further details? (you thought of it too, inn’ it! Darn I think it’s a universal human trait.)

What is difference between Bangla ‘KH’ and ‘TH’ (I always thought they look alike)?

Is love the ultimate power or is it the achievement of absolute self-sufficiency?

If it is love, then how come we give the Other the power over our entire existence so, to say?

Should I skip lunch again?

Do I aspire to suffer (coz I seem to be creative best in the said state) or for happiness / content for my life ahead (happiness is short lived, content could last longer … but there is always a smugness that hits me, or people in general, even in the short while it lasts)?

When the hell will I stop singing the song ‘sexomatic, sex-O-matic’ (DON’T ASK)?

Should I get a makeover?

Is it just me or I have actually been having some pretty aweso-ndary time lately, even in the sluggish hours that seem to pass me by?

Am I living , now?

What goes around comes around

On a Monday, I sleep through a long class.

On a Tuesday, I walk bare-feet on the grass.

On a Wednesday, I dance to a funny tune.

On a Thursday, I wish it won’t be a hot June.

On a Friday, I am a loner in the buzz

On a Saturday, I spit forth some cuss’

On a Sunday, I got the big ol’ rewind button on.

On the Monday next, I take copious notes.

On the Tuesday next, I put on some new shoes.

On the Wednesday next, I sit down still for hours.

On the Thursday next, I am gorging down ice-cream bars.

On the Friday next, I put on my party dress on.

On the Saturday next I hum a sweet sweet song.

On the Sunday next, it’s same rewind button on.

The crack between the heart and soul

"The worst is not,So long as we can say, 'This is the worst."

- King Lear

Sometimes life is an episode, if not a full-scale spectacle of a movie; a tear-jerker nonetheless.

It occurred to me, does not matter when, that the notion of what is ‘real’ hardly explains what goes on in life. It is, in fact, a major understatement. Sublimely reel and subliminally surreal, is what I say it is.

I write this post on the eve of the 1^st anniversary of one of the major crises in my life. I seem to have come a long way, a very long way (sometimes it does feel like years and decades have passed between then and now).  I trust , I admire , I am in awe , still , of things , people and events but  these moments are rare and far spaced out now, kind of reminds me of the molecules of the gaseous state of matter I used to imagine floating by me , when we were being taught the difference between different states of matter.

I did have a solid state. I wasn’t a cynic all my life (I feel like an old granny speaking through the specks of memory). I didn’t think I could doubt and still love. I loved and lived and forgot to ask what my mind wanted to me to ask. The heart and the mind were, then, to me binary oppositions. The heart said what is true and the mind said what is right. It worked well for me until this very day last year.

 That was the day the mirror cracked to dissolve the wall I held up between my heart and my mind. I realized what being a human being really is. I have a heart and a complex mind for a reason. I am not some primal soul with a mysterious connection with the super/supra/Para/hyper-natural. I gathered that I fully realize my being not only by striding towards  big umbrella terms like humanity, success, achievement, happiness, knowledge but rather just by using correctly – rather than fighting it- the intrinsic algorithm between mind and spirit.

I do not think I have reached the state of perfection yet. I am, in fact, a long way from it. But I am at least trying. The rule, now that I see it, is LOVE->;; DOUBT->;LOVE and not Doubt->;; Love->; Doubt. You never learn to love somebody, listening to your heart and mind, rather you love and then learn that it’s not perfect and still love.

I have loved my family, questioned its loyalty towards me and vice versa and came out of it feeling sure it is love. I have loved God and wanted a presence  when I was in need, couldn’t see it, doubted and came out knowing that the very fact that I could doubt hence search within myself powers to come out better is in itself the presence I craved. I have loved a person and even though there is in no way a ‘happily ever after’ in view even in long shot, I can finally feel that in spite of all of it in moments of great isolation even a thought changes my mood. “The talisman of life”, to quote someone who manages to give me regular doses of food for thought, “should always be ‘in spite of’ and not ‘because of’”. 

At this moment when I can, on one hand, can feel my heart being churned like the fruit-shake I feel a sudden craving for, I cannot help but feel that that there is an aweso-ndary surrealistic quality about the whole thing that is almost satisfyingly cathartic.

Aweso-ndary

Polithinks: In life, it is never as good as one thinks it is. But the aweso-ndary part is, it is never as bad as one deems either.

There are moments in life, and then there are Moments in life. But  our concern today is the fact that there are also mOmEnTs in life and I hereby coin the term ‘aweso-ndary’ which would work as the only apt adjective to describe such bits of life which are neither only awesome nor exclusively legendary but truly AWESO-NDARY!

This term is applicable to those liminal mOmEnTs which compel you stop and think- ‘Was I part of the most incredible, overwhelmingly screwed up, legendary, terrifyingly inexplicable, spookathonic, fantastically preternatural part of Time, a moment ago?’

Use it wisely.

Happy Birthday “Aweso-ndary”!

p.s: This blog post is an afterthought of watching 2 movies back to back, attending 8 hours of classes, breaking my head over my (ahem) finances, suffering from a constant self-pity on the state of sleep-depravity, doodling on my sock and trying to find appropriate expletives for an ex(now distant)  for the want of something to keep myself amused(I need an American dictionary and all of the ‘yo mama’ series to be able to remotely succeed ).Hence, sorry for the note of incoherence, if any. 

quotes. Vol.I

I haven't watched TV for months now, and I found myself ,in the wake of an exam, browsing the net for quotes and episodes from my favorite TV series.

Here is the first of the many vol. to come in the future:

1) Ross: Look, I just don't want my tombstone to read, "Ross Geller: Three divorces."
Phoebe: Don't feel worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, "Ross Geller: Good at marriage!" Y'know? Mine's going to say, "Phoebe Buffay: Buried alive." [Friends]

2) Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote scripture.[How I Met your Mother]

3) Barney: This is gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant because the next word is -DAIRY!  

4) [After J.D. is assigned to introduce Dr. Kelso at an awarding ceremony]
Dr. Cox: You are officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
Dr. Cox: You go do that, and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible, mm'kay?[scrubs]

5)Barney: I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways.
Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story.[How I Met your Mother]

6) George: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.[Seinfeld]

7)Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part!
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.[Seinfeld]

7) Homer: What are you, a travel agent? 'Cause you're sending me on a guilt trip.[the simpsons]


8)Lisa (angrily): You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!
Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.[the simpsons]

8)Cartman: I was asleep, and this person just ... puts his penis in my mouth without me knowing! And took the picture!
Detective Yates: ...I see.
Cartman: Yes. Now it may appear in the picture that I'm actually looking at the camera lens smiling, ... with the penis in my mouth. And giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep![South park]

9)Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
Cartman: Oh goddamnit! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?[South park]

10) Judge Harry Hingham: A ho-mo-sexual? That's where we're at now? Santa Clauses being played by ho-mo-sexuals? 
Alan Shore: [mockingly] I believe "homosexual" is one word, judge. But to avoid confusion, let's say "gay". [boston legal]



11)Nurse: "You need to leave."
Susan: "What?"
Nurse: "You're disturbing the other patients."
Susan: "No, what are you... oh, this is ridiculous! I mean, who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward! Don't you want them to wake up?!"[desparate housewives]



12)Susan: "Oh help! Can anybody hear me? Julie? I need you to try to unlock the door. Oh, what am I saying, she's two. Okay, I need you to unbuckle yourself and try to find a neighbor. But don’t cross the street! Just tell the neighbor that your mommy’s stuck in a big truck!["desparate housewives]



13)Denny Crane: [repeated throughout series] Denny Crane... [boston legal]

14) Alan Shore: You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton[boston legal]

15)Alan Shore: Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
 Lester Tremont: That's three things.
 Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.[boston legal]

16)Denny Crane: May I express a thought, because I so rarely get one, and I should preface this by saying that I'm so far up the ass of big business I view the world as one giant colon. [boston legal]

Quietly the sugar crystals fall in the hour-glass of my life

The lines on my palm = The threads of a web

The footsteps I leave behind = The make-up on a B-grade movie's C-grade heroine

The pillow on my bed = The absence of your presence

The cello-taped routine = container of  my chaotic life

The book lying by me = The world I escaped to last night

The phone-call I never made= The moment I want but can't realize

The posts that come out so often= The typed word that my thoughts so easily garb

The anklet I suddenly feel like wearing = The rhythm I want to bring back to your life

The blue that tints my toe nails = The hue that keeps me from you

The seconds I hear ticking = The dripping tears I can feel no more

shared with poets rally week 43 

When Poli is pissed

I have opinions and when I care, which most of the times don't(I believe in the 'live and let live' theory), I get effected/affected, depending on the severity of the situation. I have issues with injustice and phoneys.Most the times I avoid them for i don't want to be a crusader against such unfortunate dimwits.However, if , god forbid, you manage to get me angry. I'd give you the worst two minutes(yeah, that's how long I can keep my angry cap on) of your life.

I'd shout, I'd give you arguments you wouldn't even think existed and then I'd storm off to have some good food to get back my sanity and my chirpy self(which I love more than my angry self,, for obvious reasons).I sometimes wonder why I got the short-temper genes from my mom instead of the super cool hair or  2-inches-taller-than-me genes. :-?

I happened to have a great dinner tonight.

The real world is too fucking unreal!

This---^  is not what this post should be called. It is about Holi. The more apt title would have been "Holi Hai", "Rang De" or something that is happy and emanates good vibes. But I guess the context i am in forbids me to do so. The following post might seem  unplanned and desultory, which in a way it is, but this is the best possible way I can put all my thoughts and reactions down.

Yes, I played Holi. I have always liked playing Holi. I love colours- in my wardrobe, in and on my notebooks, on my walls, my toothbrush, the covers i put on my books et al. So naturally Holi, in a way, is my kinda shit! 

Yes, my hands are still crimson. Somehow the pukka colours have kept their promise. It makes me wonder though, how things work the way they do. How the same thing can be seen and contused in ways that can sometimes question your sanity. The hands which I see as coloured by innocent smearing of colours and joy on others with no intent of any animosity are seen by other as blood-stained hands which are guilty of strangling someone's sentiments. 

Yes, a part of me dies every day and I grieve, I look at others rejoicing for the loss they didn't face, cherishing something they might have lost but didn't. I smile a reluctant smile but am slowly seeped into the mood. The grief persists but doesn't force itself unto other. I cry, SO WHAT! I do not want the world to cry with me. Seriously, I don't. 

Yes, I have thought about death nth number of times. What happens after? How does one feel the moment before? These are almost classical existential questions, don't think anyone who lives even a moment as human escapes them.Its easy to die, but hard to remain dead. I will live through the life that I would leave behind, if not in the grand history of humanity(a term I am supposedly not allowed to use, since I am an 'inhuman moron' ) but surely in a history that some will care to remember. It is for them that I want a celebration, even if there are tears. A frigging themed funeral in fact. With good music, great food, coloured costumes and amazing pictures that remind of a life lived fully. A life lived spontaniously(read un-diplomatically). My point is I live to make people around me happy (of course I don't succeed always, but my intent remains) why would I , when I die somewhere in the vague future, want to leave them sad.

Yes, I am saddened by what I saw in last few harrowing hours. I am shocked how at how simple I take matters to be and how equally convoluted they actually are. I am distresses by the how inhuman I really am. I am disillusioned by the glamorous prospect that the knowledge I am trying to gather stands to promise.

May be I am spoiled, sadist, and ' cosmopolitan, half-baked Sylvia Plath, with an obnoxious over-dose of neo-liberal individualism'(probably the best compliment paid to till date, even if done left-handedly.) and with a profuse overflow of 'ego-fuckin-centric insensitivity'. But seriously, I am tired, exhausted of all emotions and intellect and all I need right now is probably a nice bath and a huge, no ginormous bowl of my favourite sundae.

Yes, I will repeat the title here, appropriately without footnotes or commentary--> "The real world is too fucking unreal"