The crack between the heart and soul

"The worst is not,So long as we can say, 'This is the worst."

- King Lear

Sometimes life is an episode, if not a full-scale spectacle of a movie; a tear-jerker nonetheless.

It occurred to me, does not matter when, that the notion of what is ‘real’ hardly explains what goes on in life. It is, in fact, a major understatement. Sublimely reel and subliminally surreal, is what I say it is.

I write this post on the eve of the 1^st anniversary of one of the major crises in my life. I seem to have come a long way, a very long way (sometimes it does feel like years and decades have passed between then and now).  I trust , I admire , I am in awe , still , of things , people and events but  these moments are rare and far spaced out now, kind of reminds me of the molecules of the gaseous state of matter I used to imagine floating by me , when we were being taught the difference between different states of matter.

I did have a solid state. I wasn’t a cynic all my life (I feel like an old granny speaking through the specks of memory). I didn’t think I could doubt and still love. I loved and lived and forgot to ask what my mind wanted to me to ask. The heart and the mind were, then, to me binary oppositions. The heart said what is true and the mind said what is right. It worked well for me until this very day last year.

 That was the day the mirror cracked to dissolve the wall I held up between my heart and my mind. I realized what being a human being really is. I have a heart and a complex mind for a reason. I am not some primal soul with a mysterious connection with the super/supra/Para/hyper-natural. I gathered that I fully realize my being not only by striding towards  big umbrella terms like humanity, success, achievement, happiness, knowledge but rather just by using correctly – rather than fighting it- the intrinsic algorithm between mind and spirit.

I do not think I have reached the state of perfection yet. I am, in fact, a long way from it. But I am at least trying. The rule, now that I see it, is LOVE->;; DOUBT->;LOVE and not Doubt->;; Love->; Doubt. You never learn to love somebody, listening to your heart and mind, rather you love and then learn that it’s not perfect and still love.

I have loved my family, questioned its loyalty towards me and vice versa and came out of it feeling sure it is love. I have loved God and wanted a presence  when I was in need, couldn’t see it, doubted and came out knowing that the very fact that I could doubt hence search within myself powers to come out better is in itself the presence I craved. I have loved a person and even though there is in no way a ‘happily ever after’ in view even in long shot, I can finally feel that in spite of all of it in moments of great isolation even a thought changes my mood. “The talisman of life”, to quote someone who manages to give me regular doses of food for thought, “should always be ‘in spite of’ and not ‘because of’”. 

At this moment when I can, on one hand, can feel my heart being churned like the fruit-shake I feel a sudden craving for, I cannot help but feel that that there is an aweso-ndary surrealistic quality about the whole thing that is almost satisfyingly cathartic.

25 random things about me

At somebody's request I pen these down.

I would have liked it if I'd rather not, but here they are nonetheless.

This is in a random order and not sorted according to relevance or importance.

1.I am very impatient with idiots(and I have a lot of definitions for the word), arrogance and sarcasm are a cover up to keep such people at bay.

2.I am a foodie. Its now about ‘how much’ its about ‘what’.

3.black currant and choco chips , rocher happen to be my favourite flavours.

4.I hate strawberry - fruit and the flavour.

5.Don't like being labelled , especially if the labels are ‘sexy’, ‘babe’. I mean common who even came up with these words!!

6.I like a certain Peelu(coz he is yellow) the lion :)

7.Have had my heart broken, terribly and came out of it , to quote someone “better than ever!” (this I agree) and with ‘elegance’, (this not so much)

8. Birthday Dec.18. Its one of the hugest deal in the world to me.

9. Till about last year it was all about purple kohl, now its purple sandals and a purple lot of things.(I‘ve found a certain mint who shares the same passion for the colour).

10. The first ever phone I bought with my own hard earned cash was a Samsung E840. Love it. Love it. (*sigh* RIP)

11. I hate smokers(I stress not on smoking but on smokers). To break a not so nice truth Its not even remotely connected to the word ‘cool’.

12. I am not into alcohol(its just not made for my system, I‘d rather drink KFC Krushers) unless it flavours dark chocolate. Special mention - rum and raisin.

13. I am not jewelry person. The only jewelry you’d ever see me wearing would be occasional earrings.

14. I hate gold.

15. I am a terrible terrible singer.

16. Get into fits of singing aloud (particularly on a full stomach)!

17. I have been called a nerd many times for the only addiction I seem to have are probably books and sleep(what can I do, I am a bong)!

18. Yes, I am a bong.

19. I would like to change my race. A certain race I have in mind has, without fail, amazing amazing hair.(This is a comment on their biological built nothing to do with social, political construct)

20. I can be a cry baby and a drama queen when I want to.

21. I believe in God and his/her/its/some other exclusive pronoun(this always manages to confuse/intrigue me) magic but don’t believe in religions. In my opinion, they are all human distortions of God’s(at the risk of using an anthropologic term) word. In fact I would rather not call him/her/ it/ other God for the word itself is immensely constrictive considering the magnitude of mystery, power, energy in question.

22. I have ’my brand of humour’ and there is certain group of girls who would testify for it.

23. I am basically a shy person, I’d never go up to someone(I am not pals with) and start up a conversation unless it happens the other way around.

24. I hate it when people point at my tattoo and ask me ‘is that a real tattoo?’ My usual answer “No, I got up this morning and drew it. It took me 10 mins. In fact, I do it every morning.”

25. I have a short temper (which doesn‘t last more than half an hour) and I don’t handle it well.